Chuck Sambuchino* is the master of guides. Since 2008, he’s given us Guide to Literary Agents (Writer’s Digest Books); now, he’s unleashed a new kind of guide—one that, he says, will save your life. In his aptly-named and recently-released How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (and They Will) (Ten Speed Press), he lays it out in the very first line: Keep reading if you want to live.
What, you don’t think you’re at risk? Sambuchino disagrees—and whom are you going to believe, yourself or a Class 1 gnome slayer?
Yeah—that’s what I thought.
In Sambuchino’s easy-to-read handbook, he provides tips you never realized you needed to know in order to defend yourself in the event of an ambush of the lawn ornament variety.
What's he got behind his back? (Probably an axe.)
He has used his extensive garden gnome defense training to develop a foolproof four-step system (Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply), which will have you well on your way to total safety in just 106 pages.
Sambuchino not only equips readers with the proper tools to gnome-proof their homes and yards, but he also shines the light on the fact that these garden gnomes have infiltrated our world, down to well-known (and seemingly innocent) idioms (“gnomenclature”). The worst part is they’ve done so virtually undetected.
That’s what makes the little buggers so dangerous, he says. But fear not—it’s Sambuchino to the rescue.
The photographer's body was found three yards away. The horror! The horror!
I had no idea how much of a threat these pint-sized pests could be, but my eyes have been blasted open. I can now sleep much easier at night, after having acquired this knowledge, thanks to Sambuchino.
In the words of G.I. Joe, “knowing is half the battle.” The other half? Strategically placing weapons throughout the house and kicking some gnome ass.
From fashioning weapons out of household items to memorizing escape routes, you won’t find a more complete survival guide out there than Gnomes.
*For the most clever gnome pun left in the comments (winner chosen by moi), Sambuchino has generously offered to give a free critique of up to 5 pages of a manuscript or a query letter—so get commenting! CONTEST ENDS OCTOBER 15 AT 11:59 PM EST.
Buy it here!
For more information on this book—and some life-saving tips, visit the official Gnomes blog.
To follow Sambuchino’s “ultra-nemesis,” Gnomevicious, click here. (Might be a good way to get an inside look at how these forces of evil think . . . )